Signs

A plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

A restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

And a sign at a radiator shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

A gynaecologist’s office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

The electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

Pizza shop slogans:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
“Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

A veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

A tire shop:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

An optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

A podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

A non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

A maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

Plumbers:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Nerdy Pickup Lines

Got the following NPL from the Facebook group “Nerdy Pickup Lines”.

1. You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

2. I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves

3. You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

4. If i was an enzyme, i’d be helicase so i could unzip your genes

5. I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

6. Baby, you overclock my processor.

7. Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.

8. Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

9. You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers

10.You defragment my life

11. Do you think we can make it a step more serious and disable network sharing?

12. You must be auxin, cuz u r causing me to have rapid stem elongation.

13. Baby, let me find your nth term

14. I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

15. Baby i’ll treat you like my hw- I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long

Mes Aïeux

Mes Aïeux
Album : Tire-Toi Une Bûche

Ton arrière-arrière-grand-père, il a défriché la terre
Ton arrière-grand-père, il a labouré la terre
Et pis ton grand-père a rentabilisé la terre
Pis ton père, il l’a vendue pour devenir fonctionnaire

Et pis toi, mon p’tit gars, tu l’sais pus c’que tu vas faire
Dans ton p’tit trois et demi bien trop cher, frette en hiver
Il te vient des envies de devenir propriétaire
Et tu rêves la nuit d’avoir ton petit lopin de terre

Ton arrière-arrière-grand-mère, elle a eu quatorze enfants
Ton arrière-grand-mère en a eu quasiment autant
Et pis ta grand-mère en a eu trois c’tait suffisant
Pis ta mère en voulait pas ; toi t’étais un accident

Et pis toi, ma p’tite fille, tu changes de partenaire tout l’temps
Quand tu fais des conneries, tu t’en sauves en avortant
Mais y’a des matins, tu te réveilles en pleurant
Quand tu rêves la nuit d’une grande table entourée d’enfants

Ton arrière-arrière-grand-père a vécu la grosse misère
Ton arrière-grand-père, il ramassait les cennes noires
Et pis ton grand-père – miracle ! – est devenu millionnaire
Ton père en a hérité, il l’a tout mis dans ses RÉERs

Et pis toi, p’tite jeunesse, tu dois ton cul au ministère
Pas moyen d’avoir un prêt dans une institution bancaire
Pour calmer tes envies de hold-uper la caissière
Tu lis des livres qui parlent de simplicité volontaire

Tes arrière-arrière-grands-parents, ils savaient comment fêter
Tes arrière-grands-parents, ça swignait fort dans les veillées
Pis tes grands-parents ont connu l’époque yé-yé
Tes parents, c’tait les discos ; c’est là qu’ils se sont rencontrés

Et pis toi, mon ami, qu’est-ce que tu fais de ta soirée ?
Éteins donc ta tivi ; faut pas rester encabané
Heureusement que dans’ vie certaines choses refusent de changer
Enfile tes plus beaux habits car nous allons ce soir danser…

THE BEST “DEAR JOHN” LETTER EVER

A young girl on a year’s training course in South Africa recently received a “Dear John” letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc.
In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope . . . . along with this note:

Dear John,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are. Please take
your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Mary

——–

Got this from Dixie

The 11th Husband

mmm the government ain’t so bad *wink*

—–

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin”.

“What?” said the puzzled groom? “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

“Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.

“Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

“Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, .he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

“Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

“Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

“Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

“Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

“Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

“Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was……….. God I miss him!

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”.

“Wonderful”, said the husband, “but why?

“You’re with the “GOVERNMENT”…
This time I KNOW I’M going to get SCREWED.”

—–

Got this from Dixie

An Open Letter To The Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each otherstretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Got it from a friend

Wild dogs

Don’t ask me why I’m scared of dogs, especially big ones. I know there are gentle dogs and dogs that never hurt you physically, but how can I tell? Some people got killed by dogs that they thought were so adorable…or they got bitten so badly that they could’ve died from the attack…like this girl: Kayleigh Thornton.

She was at a friend’s house who owned a dog that weighed about 13 stone (82.6kg or 182 pounds). When she was about to leave the dog jumped on her and bit her right arm and left leg. One of her friends who came by to pick her up couldn’t get the dog away from her even though he weighed more than the dog by 4 stone. A neighbour heard her scream came over with a kitchen knife. He had to stab the dog about 6-7 times before it let go of her. She got to the hospital in time and went through 14 hours of surgery and was given 14 pints of blood.

A few weeks after the attack, the dog’s owner called her in the hospital to tell her a news that ended their friendship (sounds like that to me). He said he couldn’t get over his dog’s death and would give it a funeral. Later on she found out the dog had bitten four other people but the owner didn’t do anything about it…”wasn’t muzzled”.

She’s right about this: if you can’t physically control a dog you shouldn’t keep it. If you do you need to be responsible.

—–

This reminded me of the time when a friend of my mom brought her small dog to our house. I was upstairs in my room reading a book. Everything was so calmed until I saw the dog coming into my room. I was startled and so was she. I didn’t really know what made her bark and didn’t know what to do. Just looking at her open mouth and sharp teeth gave me the shiver. I wished someone would come up to take her away…it seemed like eternity with that bark of hers. She was a few feet away from where I sat but fear filled up my head when I thought how slow I would be to get away in any case she decided to bite me. Well, thankfully, all she did was barking until her owner told her to be quiet and took her downstairs.

I get startled whenever a pet comes close to me…but I don’t freak out or anything…I guess that’s good because I’m working at this place where one of my coworkers has a dog in her office. At first I was scared (didn’t show it) but after a few days I began to feel more at ease whenever we’re beside one another….maybe someday I’ll even pet her…the thing is she’s really sweet. She even has a favourite spot in the office :p