Ah, I wanna share with you the wisdoms of my favourite teacher, Mr. Homer J. Simspons!…May you learn as much as I have!
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- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
- What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.
- … a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
- You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed.That’s the American way.
- It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
- I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
- I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- You know, my kids think you’re the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they’ve finally stopped dreaming of a future I can’t possibly provide.
- I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.
- You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity
- Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.
- When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
- The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.
- Oh sure. Even communism works. In theory.
